When I was 20, I was followed from work by a man. I had the wherewithal to stop a random couple and say “there’s a man crouching behind a wall over there. He’s been following me from my office. Can you walk me to the bus stop?”
When I was 23 I was on holiday in America with my boyfriend. We met another couple. We got absolutely shit faced sat around a pool in Florida. I went for a wee. On my way back, a security guard ambushed me and grabbed my boobs. I was drunk and hysterical so apparently that was ok and I was “giving off vibes”.
When I was 24, a waiter at a restaurant I went to almost every week, asked me for a kiss. I was uncomfortable but I let him put his hands on my shoulders and kiss me on both cheeks. He then proceeded to shove me up against the wall and ram his tongue in my mouth. I did that girl thing of making him feel ok whilst trying to get the fuck out of there. I have been made to stroke a colleagues cock through his trousers in a bar until he was hard, I have had my arse slapped at a work conference. I have been asked whether “I got it” the night before for weeks on end at work. I have had sexual encounters with men because I felt that was what was expected. I have faked pleasure. I have bitten my lip when it was painful. I am a highly educated, articulate white privileged woman. And this has happened to me. How? How the fuck has this happened? How have I been conditioned to think any of this is acceptable? Why haven’t I reported any of these incidents? What about women who aren’t white, educated, privileged? What is their reality? I’m pretty sure it’s often worse than mine. I am so sad that it’s taken the disappearance of a white middle class educated professional woman to bring this to life. I am ashamed I haven’t raised my head above the parapet before.
This. Is. Not. Ok.
Women have lived in a constant state of heightened alertness for too long. I live in a nice middle class village in Warwickshire but I run home from the pub with my keys in my hand. I am not a runner. I used to dread the walk back to the “bombsite” car park in central Birmingham on a winters night. Keys ready. Jump in car. Lock doors immediately. Heart in mouth. Every bloody night.
Yet somehow, we have just accepted this as “normal”. It is not normal. It is absolutely fucking unacceptable. We are humans. We are daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, grandmothers. We have have given birth to every single man on this planet. We are not here to be tormented for shits and giggles, to impress your mates, to fulfill your sexual fantasies. We are human. We have the same
inalienable rights as men. Please stop blaming us for your perversions, your insecurities, your rage. Why can’t we wear what we like? Why is it any more dangerous for us to be shitfaced on a Saturday night? Why can’t we walk safely through a park at 2100? For too long we have had to moderate our choices and our behaviour to manage the impulses of men. We have accepted this as the norm. We have brushed sexual assult under the carpet and put it down to “one of those things”. It is NOT OK.
Let’s teach our sons empathy. Help them understand how and why women feel vulnerable and afraid and teach them what they can do to help assuage our fears. Teach them that women are not weak, powerless objects to be toyed with, threatened, subjugated, belittled.
I cannot believe that we have put up with this for so long. This is not ok.